For this week’s parenting topic, Linda had a challenge for the Council of Vegan Parents:

“Last summer I did daycare for a 5 year old. I had explained to his mother that we were vegan and wouldn’t be serving animal products. One day, she was running late and sent him in with his fast food chicken nuggets and fries so he could finish his lunch he had been eating in the car.

“I was horrified but didn’t say anything. So here I was, picking up chicken nuggets off of the floor and explaining to my children why they weren’t something they could eat. So how would you handle it if your child’s playmate came toting their own non-veg food over to your house????”

Be clear

As Kari says, “we are always clear with people before they come over. We tell them that we do not eat animal products (and we give them the most common ones) in our house.”

This is one of those things where someone like me says “be clear” and you go “yeah yeah yeah, I’m clear,” and then something happens. Sure, it works out great for me because there’s a column in it but it’s worth repeating again and again and again.

I don’t know the specifics of Linda’s story beyond what you see here, but “we won’t be serving animal products” is different than, say, “we don’t allow animal products in our home,” and then listing off some of the big ones like Kari does – it always amazes me how fish and chicken are mystical non-animals for a lot of people, for example.

If you’re in a mixed household with meat eating and vegan parents but vegan children, you’ve probably already given a lot of thought about what you will and will not tolerate, so while this situation might seem more difficult, it’s probably a bit easier to communicate the rules, since you’ve likely already done so inside the house – you’ll probably want to review how you say them though, since communication within the family uses its own set of shorthand.

Be The Vegan

In a lot of ways, this isn’t much different from some of the other situations we’ve talked about in the past, like dealing with non-vegan family members: if people know that you’re vegan, and what that means (both logistically and what it means to you personally) then you’re likely to avoid a lot of these problems altogether.

Being openly vegan might put you a little bit outside of your comfort zone (not everyone likes to wear their beliefs on their sleeves like that,) so it might help to think of it as acting on behalf of your child, not yourself.

Tell everyone

This is worth its own bullet: if you’re going to be The Vegan and Be Clear for the purposes of avoiding issues, you’re going to need to be The Vegan to as many people as possible. Tell the babysitters, tell your family, tell the neighbours, and anyone else you and/or your child might come in contact with. I realize it sounds like you need to go door to door for a 30 mile radius, but it’s not as big a deal as it sounds. Telling people, I mean. The 30 mile bit was a joke.

Dealing with incidents

If, despite all your precautions, something still happens and animal products breach your protective force field, it might be an emotional time for you, so it’s best to think of a few likely scenarios ahead of time and plan out how you’re going to react. Scripts can be a great help when you’re in a stressful situation, but when you’re rehearsing in your mind, be sure to remember that a lot of these situations, depending on your imagination, will probably never ever happen, especially if you’ve followed the advice above.

How big a deal is it if meat enters your house, even without your child present? Are you channeling the parenting issues into something that’s more personal than that? In a lot of these cases, it’s helpful to ask yourself “what’s the worst that could happen?” – chances are, it’s more of a minor annoyance than a Class 5 Vegan Parenting Failure.

Your child is going to be exposed to meat a whole lot of times in his or her life, just like you are, so try to keep a level head when you’re explaining things.

Help your child understand

You’re going to be explaining animal products, why you don’t eat them, and what motivates the people who do to your child at various phases in his or her growth, and we talked about some strategies in dealing with overlap and answering questions from non-vegan children, but here’s some of what Rebecca had to offer for this particular case:

“We’ve discussed at home with our older child that other people don’t realize how eating animals has bad effects on their health, our environment, and animals, that we believe animal milk is for baby animals and animals have a right to live happy lives too, and that it’s not our place to tell people about any of this, though we could answer any questions they might have about being vegan.”

A big thanks to Linda, Kari, Rebecca and Angela for their help with this one!

Related articles:

Dealing with non-vegan family members
Dealing with overlap
Answering questions from non-vegan children

Sadly, "read the manual" usually isn't a good response. Photo by mil8

This week’s question came from Council member Kim, who asked:

“How do other families talk about vegan choices when other children are over and curious. (For example, a little friend asking “Why don’t you eat bacon? It’s yummy!)”

Without further ado, here’s what some other members of the Council of Vegan Parents had to say:

Be assertive, consistent – and prepared

“Think about things beforehand,” says Steph: “I have found myself kicking myself for using wishy-washy rhetoric when people are interested in our veganism and I wish I had said something more positive and assertive at the time.”

This advice holds true in pretty much all scenarios, really, but it’s especially useful with children, where things tend to be more on the black and white side without so many shades of grey. That said the part about being positive is a big deal too: “because we’re not murderers like your parents are” is probably not the best approach

As Steph notes, “thinking through the scenarios will make sure these things don’t happen again,” and there’s a lot to be said for preparation. If you have a few spare moments to go through some imaginary conversations (hey, they’re not just for toddlers!) you’ll find yourself better equipped for simple “why” questions if they come up.

Be honest without being gruesome

Elaine takes an honest yet age-appropriate approach to questions from nonvegan children. For a pre-teen she knows, she’ll offer vegan food when he visits, and if he has questions, she’ll answer them. For very young children, Elaine opts for a simple “I don’t eat that,” and while she’ll still answer questions, she’s quicker to change the subject. And for those in between, here’s a recent example that I think is pretty cool:

“…on a drive to the park on day we saw a truck filled with pigs. I
told the kids that seeing big metal trucks like those, with the holes
in the sides, made me sad. The kids asked why. I explained that the
pigs were probably being hauled off to slaughter to become pork, ham,
or bacon.

“More questions came: How far do they take them? Do they get food along
the way? Do they get hot or cold in the truck? Do they know what’s
happening? What should the driver do instead if everyone stopped
eating pork, ham, and bacon?

“I answered each one as honestly as I could. The pigs travel from all
over the place so some pigs travel short distances and other travel
for days. No, they do not usually have any food or water while they
travel because that would make it too messy in the truck. Yes,
sometimes it gets too hot or too cold and sometimes the pigs will get
sick or die during the trip. They don’t know exactly what’s happening,
but they’re probably scared. Wouldn’t you be scared if you were in
that truck? The driver should haul vegan food or… well what do you
want to do when you grow up? Maybe the driver should do that!”

Focus on things in common

Julie’s family tries to shift the conversation away from “why don’t you eat that” to a discussion of things that they do eat that kids also like, which shifts the emphasis over to things that they have in common. I like this idea a lot, and have you noticed that discussions with children have a lot of good strategies that work well with adults? Funny, that.

Dealing with other parents

What about when a child goes home and tells his or her parents what was said? Are there issues that need to be dealt with there?

Interestingly, none of our Council respondents have had any problems here. I think it has a lot to do with the approaches they’ve taken, as detailed here: be be consistent, be honest, don’t be gruesome, and focus on things that you have in common and you’re a lot less likely to have to deal with the “my kid says you called us Bambi killers!” confrontation.

Of course, that could just be a factor of our sample size. Have you had any incidents explaining veganism to nonvegan children, either with them or their parents? Let us know in the comments!

Thanks to Kim, Steph, Elaine, and Julie for their help with this one!

(Photo by mil8)

Storytime is better with friends. Photo by futurestreet

OK, Spawn Better is an awesome vegan parenting resource, and we’ve heard some good things about the internet in general (it got a lot better once they put it on computers, I think,) but what about good old fashioned, face to face meetings with other vegan parents?

Do vegan parenting groups exist? How do you find them? How do you start them? And are they worth the effort?

I asked members of our Council of Vegan Parents who’d had some experience in the area, and this is what we know so far:

First and foremost, if there’s a lack of vegan parenting groups in your area, that might not be a bad thing. Al says “There are times when I look at the relative lack of large vegan family support groups out there and smile. While I thoroughly enjoy meeting with other vegan parents (and having their kids play with my kids), I think the lack of large parenting groups can be seen as a testament to how easily vegans can belong to society at large. I don’t know, maybe I’m just making myself feel better about the situation, but I think there’s something to it. The lack of vegan support groups supports the fact that it’s easy to be vegan.”

Of course, if you do want to trade tips (and maybe clothes and toys) or even just socialize, it can be a lot more comfortable for members if they don’t feel like they’re a “special case” due to their diet that needs defending on some level, and if the advice you can give and receive doesn’t need a translation layer added in, so if you’re looking for support, a vegan-specific parents group can be just the thing.

VegKins

Celeste and Al were both looking for resources for their families in the Minneapolis area. Through the vegfamily.com forums and meetup.com, people started to connect online, leading to a first “in person” meeting at a park. This turned into monthly potlucks and other events.

At roughly the same time that this was happening, Dallas Rising was (and still is) working as the Program Coordinator for the Animal Rights Coalition, also based in Minneapolis. Their mission is to help promote and encourage a cruelty free lifestyle at all phases of life, and Dallas recognized that the best way to reach really young people was to get a parents group together, so she started VegKins, which Al and Celeste’s group folded into.

Having an affiliation with a local vegan-oriented organization can have several advantages. Dallas sees her role as being the hub for the group, attracting potential members through ARC’s outreach events and maintaining continuity in case parents in the group acting as organizers move on for various reasons.

VegKins meets monthly and the location varies, and a typical event will see three to six families with children ranging in age from newborn to around five years old. When the weather’s nice, public parks have been popular meeting spots, and activities have included a group music class, storytime, and a trip to the apple orchard.

Seattle Veggie Families

In Seattle, Doh is a member of Seattle Veggie Families. This group actually started as a LunaMoms group, which was an effort by the Clif and Luna Bars people, but that group dissolved after a year or two and Seattle Veggie Families spun off of that (despite the name, Doh assures me it’s an all-vegan group.)

This group organizes through a Yahoo mailing list, which is organized by one person, but the events are suggested and managed by anyone who’s interested in making the effort.

Events aren’t on a set schedule, but they range from potlucks attended by 15-40 people to “Mama’s Nights Out” which are just for the moms to get together and talk.

Tips and Advice

Dallas and our Council members gave this advice to anyone trying to start or join a group:

Be patient. As Al says, “Growing something like this takes time. People are hesitant to join groups (especially people who are known for their independent thinking).” Your first few events will probably be small, and not everyone will show up for everything, so don’t get discouraged!

Remember that parents groups aren’t just for the parents! One of the reasons Celeste stays involved with VegKins is that she feels it’s important for her kids to have vegan friends for peer support. Of course, sometimes it’s good to get “just the grown ups” together, which is why the group is planning to have parent only meetings a few times a year where people can give their full attention to the conversation.

Keep the events short. VegKins events usually last an hour or less, which helps with short attention spans and also makes it easier to find a free space in everyone’s schedule.

Connect online. This almost seems too obvious to mention, but keep people connected through a Facebook page, or a Yahoo or Meetup group. This will help keep families in the loop and provide a voice for future event planning, but it also helps new families find you.

Partner with your local vegan group, if one exists. This can provide a central point of contact and also a source of new members. For the organization, a parents group can be a real help with outreach: Dallas finds that it’s a great conversation starter when she sees families at outreach events.

Keep the agenda to parenting. While the leadership is vegan, VegKins is open to people raising their children vegan or vegetarian, and there’s no strong agenda at the events for activsm, politics, or other subjects; the focus is simply on social interaction.

Suggest an event. One of the challenges with a parenting group is that they tend to focus on families with younger children, so parents may drift away as their children grow up. If the organizer can’t find someone to take the reins, a group can often fizzle out, so while your city may advertise a vegan parents group, it’s possible that they haven’t met in over a year. Often, the group is dormant but not dead, so simply posting to the relevant group asking about a get together might be enough to spark it back to life.

Pick locations wisely. While the groups I’ve spoken with have had good luck with parks and members’ homes, restaurants can be tricky situations with lots of small children around. If you’re planning a dineout, be sure to scout the location in advance and/or call ahead, and recognize that you might not get much chance to talk.

If you’d like more information about VegKins, you can check out their Facebook page or contact the Animal Rights Coalition, and Seattle Veggie Families has a Yahoo group. For other parts of the world, try the VegFamily forums or searching on Meetup for a vegan parents group (or a vegan group in general) and see where things go.

And of course, if you’ve got a vegan group that’s active right now, please get in touch so we can share your contact info, along with any other tips you might have!

Thanks so much to Dallas, Celeste, Al, Doh, and Trin for their input on this one!

(Photo by futurestreet)

Wow, there certainly are a lot of us out there - but c'mon, who's as amazing as your child? Photo by Arenamontanus

This week’s question came from a member of the Council: what do you do when you’re confronted by people who feel that the mere act of having children is wrong? That might sound a little weird, but there is a subset out there who believes there are more than enough people on the planet, and adding to that population only adds to the strain on Earth’s resources (one such group has their philosophy laid out on their Voluntary Human Extinction Movement web site.)

This kind of thing can come more often when you’re a vegan parent, as the vegan community sometimes overlaps other groups like this one – at least, that’s been the experience of at least one member of the Council.

So what’s to be done? Obviously, you’ve got a difference of opinion on the matter, but it can be super easy to feel uncomfortable in a group gathering. Here’s some of what our Council of Vegan Parents had to say on the matter.

First, make sure this is what you’re dealing with. As Elaine points out, some people are simply nervous and uncomfortable around children, and babies in particular. That really could be all that’s going on.

Next, who exactly are you dealing with? Are you being confronted by a vegan anti-populationist or an omnivore one? While it’s not exactly the same thing, Al’s been in discussions with people who try to justify their meat eating with their decision not to have children. His response might help you with omnivores, and it was along these lines:

“While I’m not a fan of using numbers to argue, if you were to calculate the amount of land used to feed my vegan family of four it would be LESS than what is used to feed your omnivorous family of two (assuming you eat roughly the same amount of animal ‘products’ as the average American family does). Same goes for carbon footprint. So if you two went vegan and had a couple kids, you’d be responsible for less environmental degradation than you are right now.”

(Of course, as Al notes, this assumes that his children will choose veganism once they’re old enough to do so, but we’ll go with that as a pretty decent assumption

If you’re talking with other vegans, try focusing on what we have in common. Celeste (and many others, including myself) can’t figure out “why people within our movement feel the need to judge and alienate other vegans.” As she puts it, this goes directly against veganism’s compassionate foundations.

Just like the decision to adopt a plant-based diet, the choice to have children (or not to) is a personal decision for most people, but it’s important for everyone to realize that your family choices don’t fall inside any “Official Definition” of veganism held by any major group I’m aware of. In that context, resenting other vegans for their population choices makes about as much sense as resenting vegans because they listen to Lionel Ritchie. As Celeste says, “Instead of attacking fellow vegans, I hope for unity in a common cause of promoting compassion.”

It’s also important that big life choices like children don’t get reduced to a simple equation. Steph hasn’t experienced this particular situation, but she feels that framing things in a way that frustrates our basic human needs (and the need to reproduce and raise children would definitely apply!) is an incomplete perspective. Celeste’s spouse also brought up some of the absurdities that can present themselves if the discussion gets drawn out: it can easily turn itself to talk of mass suicides, which doesn’t make sense for anyone involved.

Finally, live like you love the planet, regardless of how many people you feel it can handle. Al suggests that you buy locally (and fair trade) when possible, favour hand-me-down clothes and toys, recycle, compost, buy used things, etc.

Ultimately, the choice not to have children is a choice, much like the choice to have them. By respecting each side and trying to focus on things we have in common, we can be more effective as vegans, as activists, and overall as human beings. (Then we can unite against Lionel Ritchie. I kid, I kid. No idea why I picked that name, honest!)

What about you? Have you been in situations with people who judged you unfairly simply because of your family? How did you deal with it? Let us know in the comments!

A huge thank you to Council members Elaine, Al, Celeste, Doh and Steph for their input on this one!

(Photo by Arenamontanus)

I searched Flickr for Negotiate, this is what I got. It might feel like that sometimes! Photo by UN Climate Change

True story: as I’ve been writing up these posts about vegan birthday parties I’ve been humming “who likes to rock the vegan birthday party? I like to rock the vegan birthday party!” in an homage to Flight of the Conchords. Anyway.

In today’s installment, Katrina sends her thoughts:

“In the classroom, we have an agreement with the class that all shared snacks and birthday food is vegan and peanut free. So, that’s a piece of cake. (No pun intended.)

“As for birthday parties, I always pop off an email that says, “…..is looking forward to coming to….birthday party. Could you please let me know what you will be serving for food in addition to cake. I will provide a vegan substitution. Also, please let me know if there will be ice cream.” Seems like I usually send a homemade vegan pizza (Trader Joe’s dough, Follow Your Heart Mozzerella & Tomato Sauce) in a pizza size tupperware container. We also keep cupcakes in the freezer. So, then those are ready in a pinch if we need one for a party. I even have a plastic cupcake caddy.

“Soy Cream only travels to 50% of the parties depending on the situation. Sometimes we can not be prepared for every situation. I have an agreement with my son that if he is at a party and the other kids get something that he doesn’t, all he has to do is tell me and we get the equivalent later…and then some. I promised him that he will always get special things too. It’s working so far and he is almost 9. ”

Thanks Katrina! I’ve got a big rambly post in my head about how the whole peanut free movement might have made things easier for vegans with children, since it’s just another rule for “responsible hosts” to follow. Thoughts?

As for the story, here are a few bits I really appreciated:

Negotiate. If your child is old enough to understand delayed gratification, try making deals like Katrina did with her son: if there’s something he’s missing out on by being vegan, make it up (and then some) shortly afterwards.

Pizza makes it easy. I like the idea of bringing a vegan pizza to a birthday party. It’s big enough that other people can get exposed to vegan food, not too weird, and usually fits in well with whatever other food is there.

Never ever forget the ice cream. When I started this series, I thought it was all about the cake, but having vegan ice cream seems second only to cupcakes, based on the responses we’ve received so far.

What’s your “go to” non-dessert food item to bring to a party? Is it pizza now? Let us know in the comments!

(Photo by UN Climate Change)

For the past while, we’ve been talking about vegan birthday party tips and tricks, but what if your child is too young for most of this to be an issue yet? That’s the position Steph’s in, but she’s getting ready for it, as she writes in:

“My guy’s too little for his own birthday parties just yet.  Though of course I worry about him, so I’ve been seeking advice.  Joanne Stepaniak‘s books always ease my mind and give me ideas about how to handle these sticky situations – usually with graciousness and respect for the other’s viewpoint and trying to be adaptable.  I’m reading Raising Vegetarian Children : A Guide to Good Health and Family Harmony now.  A lot of her adivce is about making sure everyone knows the deal beforehand, so no one’s upset the day of.  I saw Colleen Patrick-Goudreau at the Veg Fair, and her advice was to give people the chance to rise to the occasion – they will often surprise you.
 
“For family events, I usually make the dessert, trying to incorporate family traditions: chocolate cake with chocolate icing and candies is known as “Smile Cake” around here. 
 
“I’ll probably end up letting the little one make his own choices about some food, but pack his own if I think there’ll be no choice and see what happens.  I worry about his tummy digesting, say, dairy for the first time and that end up being worse than whatever teasing he would have been subjected to otherwise.

Thanks Steph! While of course we’re here at Spawn Better trying to keep everyone informed, there are a lot of other great sources of advice out there.

What about you? Is there a resource that you think people need to know about? Let us know in the comments!

Possibly not the best approach for talking to your child about why he or she can't have milk-based ice cream

Pippi sent in some of her stories about her six year old’s adventures with vegan birthday parties, as part of our ongoing series – there are so many great emails coming in from our Council of Vegan Parents, thanks so much!

Here’s what Pippi had to say:

“The short answer is that I have always been honest about what ingredients are in ‘those’ foods (e.g. cakes, goldfish, candies, etc etc) & ultimately, it’s up to her as to whether or not she wants it or not. But with enough notice, I will make sure she has similar items to bring with her to gatherings with peers. Ans she is more than happy with that arrangement. There have been a couple occasions with no notice & although she was disappointed that she didn’t have an alternative to partake in at the same time as every one else, she still did not want the non-vegan version. (I was so proud!)

“Yes, I do talk to parents ahead of time just to let them know that we are vegan and will be bringing our own items. I will find out what they are having and try to match as close as possible. On occasion we offer to bring the cupcakes or cake & many parents have taken me up on this offer. Some of the parents have started asking me to make the cakes or cupcakes as well as ask me for recipes so that they have veg items available. It’s much easier to be around people who know us.

“I can’t say that we have had any disasters, and I feel very lucky about this. As long as I bring along enough snack foods & complimentary celebratory items, she is just happiest to be around friends.

“Hope this helps. I think that just being honest (as you can with a small child without scarring them & giving them nightmares -I’m not suggesting anyone to make their child watch Earthlings! The “yuck” factor goes a long way with youngin’s) and offering exciting alternatives and being consistent is key.”

Thanks Pippi! There are lots of gems in here, but let’s see if we can highlight a few:

Be honest. As your child gets older, he or she is going to get exposed to a lot more influences and either through increased autonomy or simple distance, is going to have opportunities to make choices about foods without your direct involvement. By explaining as best you can what’s in some foods and why you don’t eat them, that’s as good a way as I can think of for preparing your child.

As Pippi said, you need to pick the tone of your message carefully – an Earthlings or Meet Your Meat experience might be a bit over the top, but “ewww, gross” makes a lot more sense.

Talk to parents ahead of time. Yes, we’ve covered this already in other posts, like Julie or Amy’s stories, but this might be your first visit, so it’s worth repeating. By communicating with the hosts ahead of time, offering to bring alternatives (or the whole cake!) and trying to make the “special” food match what everyone else is having as much as possible, you and your child will have a much better experience.

Have you tried to explain to a young child why you don’t eat, say, cheese? How’d that go? Let us know in the comments!

Yikes. All vegan, according to photographer norwichnuts

In today’s installment of the (extended) week of vegan birthday party tips, Dianna writes in:

“As for birthdays, there’s a cluster going on right now for my four year old son.  I also tell the parents that I’ll glady bring vegan cake & ice cream for my son and myself and not to worry, since sometimes they either 1) forget, 2) are freaked about finding vegan options although in Seattle it’s easy to do, 3) may get something that is not vegan.  Sometimes they have it covered with confidence, other times they are relieved that I offered.  My son expects his own special cake/ice cream, and if the host provides something for us, he asks me to make sure it’s vegan.”

Thanks Dianna! One big takeaway here:

Make it not a problem. By offering to bring cake and ice cream for herself and her son, 99% of the party becomes a non-issue. It doesn’t necessarily give other people a chance to try vegan food, but you know what? I think it makes some of them jealous. Every time I’ve been to an upscale restaurant and got something that wasn’t on the menu, everyone else on the table was genuinely envious. Work that!

Oh, and don’t forget the ice cream. Have you guys tried that new coconut milk-based stuff? Where’s THAT been all my life?

(Photo by norwichnuts and details here.)

A little icing and I think the falafel cupcake could work! Photo by kudumomo

In today’s installment of dealing with birthday parties, Joanne wrote in with her experiences.

When she’s hosting the party, it’s not much of an issue making it a vegan event. By now, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to see yet another mention of cupcakes – I had no idea these things were this popular before starting this series! Joanne credits Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World: 75 Dairy-Free Recipes for Cupcakes that Rule with making it easy, and while I’ve never hosted a party with cupcakes from the book (possibly because they don’t survive long enough for guests to arrive!) I will concur that the book’s opened up a whole new world of ideas for desserts.

When Joanne’s boys attend non-vegan parties, they stick to the vegan savory foods, but she’s opted to let them have the birthday cakes or cupcakes if they want them – as she puts it, it’s once in a blue moon and she doesn’t want them to feel singled out.

That said, it looks like Joanne’s done a good job building awareness within her community of parents, so most of them make sure there’s something vegan to eat for them – in fact, at the last party her son told the hosts he was vegan and they ran out to get him a falafel. I wants me some birthday falafel!

Thanks a lot for the input Joanne! A few takeaways here:

Cupcakes cupcakes cupcakes. That’s just in case you haven’t read the 39,431 references to cupcakes on this site yet. Are they the vegan parent’s secret weapon? I need to run a question that doesn’t have anything to do with food to see if they come up.

Do what you do. I’d like to acknowledge Joanne for saying she lets her sons eat non-vegan food from time to time (“lets” might be replacable with “doesn’t stop them from” – I just have the context from the one mail to go from.) I know a lot of vegans who might skip that part out of concern for backlash, but this is one of the reasons I put this site together – so vegan parents could share their stories and learn from each other.

You probably don’t like it when people tell you how to raise your kids, so I’m guessing the same goes for people telling you how to raise your kids vegan. It’s complicated enough that I made a site about it. Do what you do, learn from each other, and if something works or doesn’t work for you, go with it.

Keep in touch with your extended community. Joanne’s kids’ friends’ parents (whew!) for the most part seem to know that Joanne’s famiy is vegan, which is bound to make things a lot easier in social situations. Just introducing yourself to other parents can be enough to make a personal connection that can boost their awareness for a successful “away team” party.

What do you think? Have you ever had, made, or fetched a birthday falafel? How has the reception been at other people’s parties for your child? Let us know in the comments!

This week we’re digging deep into the great responses from our Council of Vegan Parents to figure out the best way to deal with birthday parties – either your child’s own, or more importantly, someone else’s. A celebration with food that might not be appropriate for your child can be a big hurdle, so here’s what Doh had to say about it:

“Over the years, our response to birthday parties has varied.  For my son’s birthdays, I now plan the party for in between mealtimes so that we’re not obligated to feed all the attendees.  I’ve done full-spread parties, with everything from mock chikkin salad and sweet potato fries to carrot cake and Italian sodas. Too much work!  Not all kids (or their parents) appreciate non-SAD food, and it’s disheartening to have a lot of plates come back with uneaten food.  

“One miracle I made for my son’s 3rd birthday was a watermelon “cake.”  It’s just large slices of watermelon stacked in tiers, then garnished with fruit attached by toothpicks.  In the Florida summer, it was a big hit.

“For non-vegan kids’ parties, I don’t technically let my son make his own decisions about eating non-vegan food, but I also don’t think we’ve ever talked about that as an option, and he’s never asked if he could eat the non-vegan food.  Some parties, I’ve stayed for the whole time, and some are the drop-off kids of parties, so maybe he’s tried it when I wasn’t there.

“I do plan ahead and talk with the parents.  We’ve attended some parties where the parents were kind enough and savvy enough to make all the food vegan just because my son was attending, or they made sure there were vegan substitutions for him.  Mostly, though, I find out what’s being served, and bring the food to replace it, right down to the treat bag that goes home with each kid.  For parents that I don’t know well, I try to keep in mind that they are probably completely clueless about veganism, so I phrase my offer to provide the vegan food in terms of relieving their stress or worry, emphasizing that I don’t want them to go out of their way or to have to read tiny ingredient lists, and that it’s a way for me to help take some of the party-planning burden off their backs.  I also tell them that my son is so picky, anyway, it’d be unfair to ask them to find something he will eat.  There is truth that. 

“When he was younger, I figured my son would want whatever looked the same, so if they were having chocolate cake, I’d make chocolate cake.  Now that he’s older and has stronger preferences, I ask him what he wants me to bring for him.  Sometimes, he decides he doesn’t need anything, or we’ll arrange something a little special for when he gets home from the party, like baking together or going to the store for his favorite cupcakes (yes, we are lucky).  Parties are usually so chaotic that no one notices if he’s not having cake, or that his pizza is different from theirs.

“The hardest kind of party to deal with are the unannounced parties at daycare and school.  You don’t get advance notice for those.  From pre-school to about 3rd grade, I kept cupcakes in the teachers’ freezers – they were clearly labelled “vegan” so that other people wouldn’t eat them!  Teachers could pull one out for the party, and my son would often be fine with eating them cold.

“Even when there’s not a party, teachers will sometimes give kids cookies or other treats, which is another topic, and one time my son’s vegan “option” was potato chips.  Yeah, thanks.  So it’s a good strategy to provide your child’s teacher with treats for any occasion that may arise.  Here’s a tip for freezing/transporting cupcakes: if you have the space, freeze the frosted cupcakes first, in the baking pan.  Then, use those plastic containers that are meant to be somewhat disposable, big enough for a cupcake.  Put the cupcake on the lid, and put the bottom of the container over the cupcake, so that the container is upside down but the cupcake is right-side up.  This makes transporting and storing them much easier since they have a wider base.

“I haven’t had any disasters, but I have done some **crazy** driving to get food to the party on time, while still hot (or cold, as needed).  When he was 4, I left work during my 30 minute break, drove with balloons and cake in the car to his daycare, stopped at a gas station for a lighter to light the candles, got to the daycare and threw an impromptu party, stayed for all of 8 minutes, then ran back to work.  I once took my son to school in the morning, raced home, baked cupcakes, pulled them out of the oven and put a Tofutti pizza in, baked that, then carried them – still hot – to the car, frosted the cupcakes at red lights along the way, and arrived back at school in time for his lunchtime birthday party.  Recently I dropped my son off at 2pm at a location almost 20 minutes away, raced home, baked a Tofutti pizza (again), and raced back in time for the food to be served at 3pm.  It’s kind of insane, and each time I swear I won’t do that to myself – or the environment, with all that driving – again.

Thanks so much Doh! Here are some key takeaways from her story:

Know your audience. Doh used to make full on vegan meals, but they came back uneaten. I don’t think this was a statement about her cooking; you might just have a community who isn’t willing to change their diet, even for a meal. Pay attention to the feedback (both verbal and evidence like unfinished plates) and adjust accordingly. Doh now plans parties in between meals so it’s less work, less waste, and overall less of an issue.

Similarly, some creativity can help to bridge objections. On a hot Florida day, a watermelon “cake” magically transforms from “weird hippie food, why can’t they bake something” to “wow, I really like watermelon!”

Substitute without subverting. Like Julie, Doh asks ahead of time what’s being served and brings vegan versions that match closely (including the goodie bag, which is a great idea!) The trick here is to be clear that you’re trying to help, not to reject the host’s efforts. I think in the age of peanut allergies and whatnot this has become less of an issue, but re-read Doh’s suggestions to make sure you’re making friends while you make meals.

It’s OK not to eat. This is up to your child, certainly, and might work better at as kids get older, but simply not having any cake can be an option. As Doh noted, these parties can be pretty chaotic, so it’s possible that nobody will even notice.

Cupcake stashes! Doh brought up the problem of school and daycare parties, which you might not find out about until afterwards. In addition to making sure the teacher or supervisor knows the situation, stashing some cupcakes in the freezer at the site can be a great plan (though if I was a teacher, I’d have a hard time ignoring a freezer full of vegan cupcakes!) Her tips on how to pack them are work bookmarking.

Doh finished off with some crazy stories about mad dashes across town to make a party work, and I’m so selling the movie rights What about you? What’s the wildest race you ever ran to pull off a vegan party miracle? Let us know in the comments!