I searched Flickr for Negotiate, this is what I got. It might feel like that sometimes! Photo by UN Climate Change

True story: as I’ve been writing up these posts about vegan birthday parties I’ve been humming “who likes to rock the vegan birthday party? I like to rock the vegan birthday party!” in an homage to Flight of the Conchords. Anyway.

In today’s installment, Katrina sends her thoughts:

“In the classroom, we have an agreement with the class that all shared snacks and birthday food is vegan and peanut free. So, that’s a piece of cake. (No pun intended.)

“As for birthday parties, I always pop off an email that says, “…..is looking forward to coming to….birthday party. Could you please let me know what you will be serving for food in addition to cake. I will provide a vegan substitution. Also, please let me know if there will be ice cream.” Seems like I usually send a homemade vegan pizza (Trader Joe’s dough, Follow Your Heart Mozzerella & Tomato Sauce) in a pizza size tupperware container. We also keep cupcakes in the freezer. So, then those are ready in a pinch if we need one for a party. I even have a plastic cupcake caddy.

“Soy Cream only travels to 50% of the parties depending on the situation. Sometimes we can not be prepared for every situation. I have an agreement with my son that if he is at a party and the other kids get something that he doesn’t, all he has to do is tell me and we get the equivalent later…and then some. I promised him that he will always get special things too. It’s working so far and he is almost 9. ”

Thanks Katrina! I’ve got a big rambly post in my head about how the whole peanut free movement might have made things easier for vegans with children, since it’s just another rule for “responsible hosts” to follow. Thoughts?

As for the story, here are a few bits I really appreciated:

Negotiate. If your child is old enough to understand delayed gratification, try making deals like Katrina did with her son: if there’s something he’s missing out on by being vegan, make it up (and then some) shortly afterwards.

Pizza makes it easy. I like the idea of bringing a vegan pizza to a birthday party. It’s big enough that other people can get exposed to vegan food, not too weird, and usually fits in well with whatever other food is there.

Never ever forget the ice cream. When I started this series, I thought it was all about the cake, but having vegan ice cream seems second only to cupcakes, based on the responses we’ve received so far.

What’s your “go to” non-dessert food item to bring to a party? Is it pizza now? Let us know in the comments!

(Photo by UN Climate Change)

For the past while, we’ve been talking about vegan birthday party tips and tricks, but what if your child is too young for most of this to be an issue yet? That’s the position Steph’s in, but she’s getting ready for it, as she writes in:

“My guy’s too little for his own birthday parties just yet.  Though of course I worry about him, so I’ve been seeking advice.  Joanne Stepaniak‘s books always ease my mind and give me ideas about how to handle these sticky situations – usually with graciousness and respect for the other’s viewpoint and trying to be adaptable.  I’m reading Raising Vegetarian Children : A Guide to Good Health and Family Harmony now.  A lot of her adivce is about making sure everyone knows the deal beforehand, so no one’s upset the day of.  I saw Colleen Patrick-Goudreau at the Veg Fair, and her advice was to give people the chance to rise to the occasion – they will often surprise you.
 
“For family events, I usually make the dessert, trying to incorporate family traditions: chocolate cake with chocolate icing and candies is known as “Smile Cake” around here. 
 
“I’ll probably end up letting the little one make his own choices about some food, but pack his own if I think there’ll be no choice and see what happens.  I worry about his tummy digesting, say, dairy for the first time and that end up being worse than whatever teasing he would have been subjected to otherwise.

Thanks Steph! While of course we’re here at Spawn Better trying to keep everyone informed, there are a lot of other great sources of advice out there.

What about you? Is there a resource that you think people need to know about? Let us know in the comments!

Possibly not the best approach for talking to your child about why he or she can't have milk-based ice cream

Pippi sent in some of her stories about her six year old’s adventures with vegan birthday parties, as part of our ongoing series – there are so many great emails coming in from our Council of Vegan Parents, thanks so much!

Here’s what Pippi had to say:

“The short answer is that I have always been honest about what ingredients are in ‘those’ foods (e.g. cakes, goldfish, candies, etc etc) & ultimately, it’s up to her as to whether or not she wants it or not. But with enough notice, I will make sure she has similar items to bring with her to gatherings with peers. Ans she is more than happy with that arrangement. There have been a couple occasions with no notice & although she was disappointed that she didn’t have an alternative to partake in at the same time as every one else, she still did not want the non-vegan version. (I was so proud!)

“Yes, I do talk to parents ahead of time just to let them know that we are vegan and will be bringing our own items. I will find out what they are having and try to match as close as possible. On occasion we offer to bring the cupcakes or cake & many parents have taken me up on this offer. Some of the parents have started asking me to make the cakes or cupcakes as well as ask me for recipes so that they have veg items available. It’s much easier to be around people who know us.

“I can’t say that we have had any disasters, and I feel very lucky about this. As long as I bring along enough snack foods & complimentary celebratory items, she is just happiest to be around friends.

“Hope this helps. I think that just being honest (as you can with a small child without scarring them & giving them nightmares -I’m not suggesting anyone to make their child watch Earthlings! The “yuck” factor goes a long way with youngin’s) and offering exciting alternatives and being consistent is key.”

Thanks Pippi! There are lots of gems in here, but let’s see if we can highlight a few:

Be honest. As your child gets older, he or she is going to get exposed to a lot more influences and either through increased autonomy or simple distance, is going to have opportunities to make choices about foods without your direct involvement. By explaining as best you can what’s in some foods and why you don’t eat them, that’s as good a way as I can think of for preparing your child.

As Pippi said, you need to pick the tone of your message carefully – an Earthlings or Meet Your Meat experience might be a bit over the top, but “ewww, gross” makes a lot more sense.

Talk to parents ahead of time. Yes, we’ve covered this already in other posts, like Julie or Amy’s stories, but this might be your first visit, so it’s worth repeating. By communicating with the hosts ahead of time, offering to bring alternatives (or the whole cake!) and trying to make the “special” food match what everyone else is having as much as possible, you and your child will have a much better experience.

Have you tried to explain to a young child why you don’t eat, say, cheese? How’d that go? Let us know in the comments!

Yikes. All vegan, according to photographer norwichnuts

In today’s installment of the (extended) week of vegan birthday party tips, Dianna writes in:

“As for birthdays, there’s a cluster going on right now for my four year old son.  I also tell the parents that I’ll glady bring vegan cake & ice cream for my son and myself and not to worry, since sometimes they either 1) forget, 2) are freaked about finding vegan options although in Seattle it’s easy to do, 3) may get something that is not vegan.  Sometimes they have it covered with confidence, other times they are relieved that I offered.  My son expects his own special cake/ice cream, and if the host provides something for us, he asks me to make sure it’s vegan.”

Thanks Dianna! One big takeaway here:

Make it not a problem. By offering to bring cake and ice cream for herself and her son, 99% of the party becomes a non-issue. It doesn’t necessarily give other people a chance to try vegan food, but you know what? I think it makes some of them jealous. Every time I’ve been to an upscale restaurant and got something that wasn’t on the menu, everyone else on the table was genuinely envious. Work that!

Oh, and don’t forget the ice cream. Have you guys tried that new coconut milk-based stuff? Where’s THAT been all my life?

(Photo by norwichnuts and details here.)

A little icing and I think the falafel cupcake could work! Photo by kudumomo

In today’s installment of dealing with birthday parties, Joanne wrote in with her experiences.

When she’s hosting the party, it’s not much of an issue making it a vegan event. By now, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to see yet another mention of cupcakes – I had no idea these things were this popular before starting this series! Joanne credits Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World: 75 Dairy-Free Recipes for Cupcakes that Rule with making it easy, and while I’ve never hosted a party with cupcakes from the book (possibly because they don’t survive long enough for guests to arrive!) I will concur that the book’s opened up a whole new world of ideas for desserts.

When Joanne’s boys attend non-vegan parties, they stick to the vegan savory foods, but she’s opted to let them have the birthday cakes or cupcakes if they want them – as she puts it, it’s once in a blue moon and she doesn’t want them to feel singled out.

That said, it looks like Joanne’s done a good job building awareness within her community of parents, so most of them make sure there’s something vegan to eat for them – in fact, at the last party her son told the hosts he was vegan and they ran out to get him a falafel. I wants me some birthday falafel!

Thanks a lot for the input Joanne! A few takeaways here:

Cupcakes cupcakes cupcakes. That’s just in case you haven’t read the 39,431 references to cupcakes on this site yet. Are they the vegan parent’s secret weapon? I need to run a question that doesn’t have anything to do with food to see if they come up.

Do what you do. I’d like to acknowledge Joanne for saying she lets her sons eat non-vegan food from time to time (“lets” might be replacable with “doesn’t stop them from” – I just have the context from the one mail to go from.) I know a lot of vegans who might skip that part out of concern for backlash, but this is one of the reasons I put this site together – so vegan parents could share their stories and learn from each other.

You probably don’t like it when people tell you how to raise your kids, so I’m guessing the same goes for people telling you how to raise your kids vegan. It’s complicated enough that I made a site about it. Do what you do, learn from each other, and if something works or doesn’t work for you, go with it.

Keep in touch with your extended community. Joanne’s kids’ friends’ parents (whew!) for the most part seem to know that Joanne’s famiy is vegan, which is bound to make things a lot easier in social situations. Just introducing yourself to other parents can be enough to make a personal connection that can boost their awareness for a successful “away team” party.

What do you think? Have you ever had, made, or fetched a birthday falafel? How has the reception been at other people’s parties for your child? Let us know in the comments!

This week we’re digging deep into the great responses from our Council of Vegan Parents to figure out the best way to deal with birthday parties – either your child’s own, or more importantly, someone else’s. A celebration with food that might not be appropriate for your child can be a big hurdle, so here’s what Doh had to say about it:

“Over the years, our response to birthday parties has varied.  For my son’s birthdays, I now plan the party for in between mealtimes so that we’re not obligated to feed all the attendees.  I’ve done full-spread parties, with everything from mock chikkin salad and sweet potato fries to carrot cake and Italian sodas. Too much work!  Not all kids (or their parents) appreciate non-SAD food, and it’s disheartening to have a lot of plates come back with uneaten food.  

“One miracle I made for my son’s 3rd birthday was a watermelon “cake.”  It’s just large slices of watermelon stacked in tiers, then garnished with fruit attached by toothpicks.  In the Florida summer, it was a big hit.

“For non-vegan kids’ parties, I don’t technically let my son make his own decisions about eating non-vegan food, but I also don’t think we’ve ever talked about that as an option, and he’s never asked if he could eat the non-vegan food.  Some parties, I’ve stayed for the whole time, and some are the drop-off kids of parties, so maybe he’s tried it when I wasn’t there.

“I do plan ahead and talk with the parents.  We’ve attended some parties where the parents were kind enough and savvy enough to make all the food vegan just because my son was attending, or they made sure there were vegan substitutions for him.  Mostly, though, I find out what’s being served, and bring the food to replace it, right down to the treat bag that goes home with each kid.  For parents that I don’t know well, I try to keep in mind that they are probably completely clueless about veganism, so I phrase my offer to provide the vegan food in terms of relieving their stress or worry, emphasizing that I don’t want them to go out of their way or to have to read tiny ingredient lists, and that it’s a way for me to help take some of the party-planning burden off their backs.  I also tell them that my son is so picky, anyway, it’d be unfair to ask them to find something he will eat.  There is truth that. 

“When he was younger, I figured my son would want whatever looked the same, so if they were having chocolate cake, I’d make chocolate cake.  Now that he’s older and has stronger preferences, I ask him what he wants me to bring for him.  Sometimes, he decides he doesn’t need anything, or we’ll arrange something a little special for when he gets home from the party, like baking together or going to the store for his favorite cupcakes (yes, we are lucky).  Parties are usually so chaotic that no one notices if he’s not having cake, or that his pizza is different from theirs.

“The hardest kind of party to deal with are the unannounced parties at daycare and school.  You don’t get advance notice for those.  From pre-school to about 3rd grade, I kept cupcakes in the teachers’ freezers – they were clearly labelled “vegan” so that other people wouldn’t eat them!  Teachers could pull one out for the party, and my son would often be fine with eating them cold.

“Even when there’s not a party, teachers will sometimes give kids cookies or other treats, which is another topic, and one time my son’s vegan “option” was potato chips.  Yeah, thanks.  So it’s a good strategy to provide your child’s teacher with treats for any occasion that may arise.  Here’s a tip for freezing/transporting cupcakes: if you have the space, freeze the frosted cupcakes first, in the baking pan.  Then, use those plastic containers that are meant to be somewhat disposable, big enough for a cupcake.  Put the cupcake on the lid, and put the bottom of the container over the cupcake, so that the container is upside down but the cupcake is right-side up.  This makes transporting and storing them much easier since they have a wider base.

“I haven’t had any disasters, but I have done some **crazy** driving to get food to the party on time, while still hot (or cold, as needed).  When he was 4, I left work during my 30 minute break, drove with balloons and cake in the car to his daycare, stopped at a gas station for a lighter to light the candles, got to the daycare and threw an impromptu party, stayed for all of 8 minutes, then ran back to work.  I once took my son to school in the morning, raced home, baked cupcakes, pulled them out of the oven and put a Tofutti pizza in, baked that, then carried them – still hot – to the car, frosted the cupcakes at red lights along the way, and arrived back at school in time for his lunchtime birthday party.  Recently I dropped my son off at 2pm at a location almost 20 minutes away, raced home, baked a Tofutti pizza (again), and raced back in time for the food to be served at 3pm.  It’s kind of insane, and each time I swear I won’t do that to myself – or the environment, with all that driving – again.

Thanks so much Doh! Here are some key takeaways from her story:

Know your audience. Doh used to make full on vegan meals, but they came back uneaten. I don’t think this was a statement about her cooking; you might just have a community who isn’t willing to change their diet, even for a meal. Pay attention to the feedback (both verbal and evidence like unfinished plates) and adjust accordingly. Doh now plans parties in between meals so it’s less work, less waste, and overall less of an issue.

Similarly, some creativity can help to bridge objections. On a hot Florida day, a watermelon “cake” magically transforms from “weird hippie food, why can’t they bake something” to “wow, I really like watermelon!”

Substitute without subverting. Like Julie, Doh asks ahead of time what’s being served and brings vegan versions that match closely (including the goodie bag, which is a great idea!) The trick here is to be clear that you’re trying to help, not to reject the host’s efforts. I think in the age of peanut allergies and whatnot this has become less of an issue, but re-read Doh’s suggestions to make sure you’re making friends while you make meals.

It’s OK not to eat. This is up to your child, certainly, and might work better at as kids get older, but simply not having any cake can be an option. As Doh noted, these parties can be pretty chaotic, so it’s possible that nobody will even notice.

Cupcake stashes! Doh brought up the problem of school and daycare parties, which you might not find out about until afterwards. In addition to making sure the teacher or supervisor knows the situation, stashing some cupcakes in the freezer at the site can be a great plan (though if I was a teacher, I’d have a hard time ignoring a freezer full of vegan cupcakes!) Her tips on how to pack them are work bookmarking.

Doh finished off with some crazy stories about mad dashes across town to make a party work, and I’m so selling the movie rights What about you? What’s the wildest race you ever ran to pull off a vegan party miracle? Let us know in the comments!

What? Can't a guy like mentioning MacGyver?

It’s birthday party week, and instead of posting a mega-response that gathers everything together, we’re spreading the fun over the week so we can really drill into the great advice from our Council of Vegan Parents. Here’s how Julie and her family have been dealing with parties for the discerning 3 and 4 year old:

(Note: in the interest of privacy and because it amuses me greatly, I’ve replaced Julie’s son’s name with MacGyver.)

“For now, we’re at an age where the parents pretty much all stay at the party, which probably makes things easier. Parents who know us and our family well have been really great about making sure they had vegan snacks and treats around. For families we don’t know as well, or who wouldn’t have any reason to know about MacGyver’s dietary restrictions, I’ve been calling or emailing the parents ahead of time to see what they’re serving, then bringing a substitute for MacGyver that looks as much as possible like what the other kids are eating. So far, that’s just meant stopping at the store and grabbing a vegan cupcake in the same flavor as what the other kids will be eating (and yes, I realize we’re lucky to have a grocery store down the street with vegan cupcakes!)

“We have had to confiscate treats from goodie bags as we were leaving, and explaining why the fruit snacks weren’t vegan was pretty confusing for MacGyver. In general, though, he takes ownership of his own veganism. He won’t eat anything without checking first to make sure it’s vegan, and doesn’t want to eat anything that’s not vegan, so our job is just to make sure he’s aware of what is and is not vegan (or, in his words, whether things are “vegan” or “cow”) and to make sure he has something to enjoy when everyone else is eating their non-vegan treats, so that he’s not stuck sitting and watching (we’ve all been there as adults, and I can’t imagine it’s any more fun when you’re 3…)

“I’m sure a lot of this will change as MacGyver gets older; as he gets more and more able to advocate for himself, we’ll have less and less of a role in all of his social interactions, including the vegan aspects. I imagine the day will come when we’ll have to let him make the choice to try non-vegan treats if that’s what he wants to do, but we want to wait on that until he’s old enough to really understand what that means; not having been there, I have no idea what age that will be…

“As far as his own birthday parties go, we really haven’t had any issues. We provided vegan snacks this year for his friends, and everyone was happy. We didn’t go crazy (as much as he liked it, we weren’t going to serve a group of 3 year olds Tom Kha soup), and stuck with kid-friendly food like cut-up fruit and mini-cupcakes. I suppose this could get more interesting if he ever wants to have a party at one of the “party places” that include food in the package. For now, it’s a total non-issue for us, though.”

Thanks Julie! A few things to highlight here:

Match the experience. Julie calls or emails the parents to not only find out what they’re serving but also to get a substitute, if required, that’s as close to what the other kids are having as possible. By the way, MacGyver makes cupcakes out of tin foil and bottle caps. They’re delicious.

Keep your child involved. I love how even though Julie has had to take a few treats away, MacGyver asks if things are “vegan” or “cow.” Early involvement is going to make things more of a team effort and less of a “mom’s so mean” kind of thing, which is bound to make it easier when you…

Be prepared to let go. At some point, your child’s going to be out in the world making choices about what to eat. From the advice we’ve been receiving, it looks like the best chances of your messages lasting are to keep those early memories happy so nobody feels deprived or like they’re “missing out.”

Location Location Location. Julie raises a good point about parties outside of the home, like a Chuck E. Cheese or something. We haven’t received a lot of advice yet on this situation; has anyone figured this out yet?

Name your child MacGyver. Every other parent at the party will be jealous. OK, maybe just me. So invite me to your party.

What about you? Do you think MacGyver is an awesome name? More importantly, what do you think about the whole balance between vegan and non-vegan choices? At what age do you think it becomes more of a choice for your little MacGyver? Let us know in the comments!

"Vegan birthday cupcakes" by stevendamron

As part of birthday party week, Amy writes in with her techniques for safely navigating invitations to non-vegan friends’ celebrations:

“We always pre-eat. For my kids parties, we have decedent all vegan spreads, if people want to help and make a dip or dish, they know vegan is required. For family parties, I always offer to make the cake, I am a cake ninja, want a vegan Elmo cake, or a stand up rubber ducky, I am your girl. People are shocked my vegan cakes taste better than a costco cake, plus they are cuter. I also always bring a dip or other snack to go out before the meal, we also bring a sidedish. I always ask the host what to bring.”

So many great tips here:

Pre-eat. This is the advice you see even for grown-up parties so you don’t overeat, but guess what? It’ll also save your child from going hungry if it turns out there’s nothing to eat (and that’s not gonna happen, because this week is going to ROCK OUT with tips and tricks!)

Ask what to bring. Instead of starting off with a whole “Oh, little Jimmy’s vegan, so here are a bunch of rules blah blah blah” (and I do mean blah blah blah because your host might well be thinking that by this point) start off with an offer to help.

This is another one of those things that work for all kind of parties, not just the ones with Dora and Spongebob all over the place. The key is that you’re bringing something to help the host out. You’re not rejecting their food (by saying it’ll be vegan you’re being even more helpful because it’s something that more people will be able to enjoy) and you’re not taking over the catering (which some parents might welcome, but might threaten others.) You’re helping them, and you’re helping you and/or your child.

Make the cake. The cake is central to a birthday party, and the best way to make sure the cake is vegan friendly is to make a vegan friendly cake. Amy does this for family parties, but I’m wondering if one could actually get away with bringing a cake to someone else’s party.

This is advanced stuff, so I’d recommend you definitely ask the host first! It might turn out to be a huge help to the parents who are on the hook for making everything else work out. If you can swing the Elmo cakes and other fun designs, be sure to take a few pictures and put them on a free Flickr account so people can know what an amazing offer they’re getting.

Like I said, this is an advanced technique that won’t work in all cases, but vegan cake is a HUGE outreach tool – people really can’t believe that baking’s possible without milk or eggs, and it’s going to plant a lot of seeds in a lot of minds.

What about you? Have you ever brought a cake to someone else’s birthday party? Do you think that could work? Let us know in the comments!

(Photo by stevendamron)

"The Cake: Before" by Shawn Allen

We asked the Council of Vegan Parents:

“I want to talk about birthday parties – either your child’s own, or when he or she goes to a friend’s house.  I’m guessing your child has non-vegan friends, so here we’ve got a celebration that usually includes food, and there’s bound to be some non-vegan stuff.  How do you handle things like this?  Do you talk with the parents ahead of time?  Do you let your child make his or her own decisions? What disasters or miracles have come up in your family’s history?”

This week, instead of grouping every response to the question into one big post, since there were so many amazing and thoughtful answers from our team I thought we’d try a post a day to really drill into the topic and see if we can’t get some more great ideas along the way.

The responses will be grouped under this post, or you can just check back every day or so to see what’s new.

Also, if you’ve got a great answer to the party question, you can put it in the comments below, but why not join the council? There’s no obligation to answer every (or any) question in the future, but there’s a great chance that something will come up that you’ve just dealt with, and it’ll help a whole lot of vegan (and even more importantly, aspiring vegan) parents. Send your thoughts via our contact form.

Posts so far:

• Vegan birthday parties: make the cake
• Vegan birthday parties: “Is that vegan or cow?”
• Vegan birthday parties: be prepared!
• Vegan birthday parties: I want a falafel cupcake!
• Vegan birthday parties: Don’t forget the ice cream!
• Vegan birthday parties: be honest
• Vegan birthday parties: start studying
• Vegan birthday parties: be ready to negotiate!

(Photo by Shawn Allen)